Archive for February, 2003


Laugh at them. It’s funny.

Deer Hunter

This evening I hit a deer. Well, I suppose “hit” doesn’t describe it fully. Hell, Iím bored, so Iíll give you a quick timeline of the events:

18:05:18 – I’m driving down the road and see a herd of deer running across the street, one of which has already crossed the road not too far in front of my Jeep.

18:05:19 – After the initial three tenths of a second where I thought to myself, ďOooh, deer! Nature is cool!Ē, I decided to slam on my brakes. Of course that was pretty much futile on the snow packed dirt roads around my house.

18:05:22 – Impact! Head hit nearly smack in the center of the Jeep grille. Slight bump felt in the front of the car.

18:05:24 – Profuse screaming and cussing directed at the deer, heard by a friend I was talking to on my cell phone. (no, that didnít affect my reaction time! — ed) I continue to drive down the road.

18:05:28 – Odd noise emitted from the underbody of the car. Hmm, shit, did I blow a tire? Maybe the deer really messed up my car. Gah!

18:05:32 – Noise heard again.

18:05:36 – And again… but this time the friend on the phone heard it too. This happens a few more times, and I canít figure out exactly what it is.

18:05:42 – Eureka! I realize the fucking deer is still under my Jeep, moaning in what I assume is pure and utter agony. Holy crap! UhmÖ uhmÖ canít pull him out if I stopped the car. I proceed to slow down and move the car around on the road trying to dislodge him.

18:05:48 – Attempts at dislodging the deer have failed. I took a hard cut using a large driveway as headroom. Felt a bump in the rear of the Jeep. Glanced into my rear view mirror and saw a deer get up and run away. Looked like one of his legs was mauled up pretty bad. I couldnít see if it was a buck or doe.

18:05:50 – I stop the car to inspect the damage, which turned out to be some blood, hair, a bent quarter panel, headlight and a cracked front grille. Decided to wait until daylight to inspect the rest…

18:06:12 – Continuing to talk to my friend. Mentioned how I can smell, and I think taste the blood in the air. Perhaps the smell was sucked in from the air intake on the car? Ick.

Well, thatís pretty much it I guess. Poor deer… I donít wish that kind of death upon any animal.


I got fake numbered today. This guy was in the lobby at my office as I walked by. He stopped me and started asking if I or any of my friends ever snowboard or ski. I said I don’t but I know people who do. He gave he his spiel about coupons he was selling for free lifts, blah blah. I said I would call a couple of friends to see if they were interested. I called friends. I called the number “John” gave me, and it was not a valid number. That wank. I would have put out, too.

I Have Only Small Random Thoughts

When you’re placing an order at Taco Bell, why do they ask if you want any Mild, Hot or Fire sauce and then never give you any? I think they know perfectly well they’re not going to give the sauce. It’s just a cruel joke so they can feel good about themselves later while thinking about you eating a dry taco. I think if you had a thing for fat, unattractive women, you would have a much easier time hooking up. Large SUVs with only a driver in them piss me off. A while ago I started checking women’s hands for wedding rings to help determine if I should talk to them. I think that’s funny or odd or scary .. or something else.


Doesn’t seem to be much to write about. I haven’t had time to organize two thoughts enough to come up with a compelling idea to write about. My cousin got married last weekend. I was bestowed with the honor of recording video of the wedding and reception and other things. Yay? I have an appointment in March for LASIK surgery. That’s exciting.

Who Knows

I accidentally shopped at Wal-Mart yesterday. I really don’t like that place for some reason. I think it’s because it’s such a huge chain. It scares me. I think it’s funny when coffee shops list a variety of expensive, fancy drinks on their menu and then beside each one put the correct pronunciation. Apparently, some people would prefer you not chew gum while kissing.

Quiet Down

What the hell? The people that live above me are making so much noise. What would they possibly be doing at 2 AM? It sounds like running from one end of the apartment to the other. Then some thumping. A pound. Some voices. Then more running. I think they’re moving furniture then having crazy wild sex on the furniture then moving it back then having more sex then tossing bowling balls across the room while having sex on the couch while moving the chair.

Nazis at the Gym

Normally I go to the gym (which is on the school campus across the street from me for those that don’t know) at night or in the morning on Sunday. I had Friday off, so I decided to go in the morning. I hadn’t showered yet, and my hair was stuck out to one side and matted on the other. It’s normally not an issue when I head over there like that because it’s Sunday, and no one is around but the people going to the gym. Today, however, I’m walking over there and groups of people are going to and leaving class looking nice. As I passed them, each would take their turn pointing and laughing at me. It was rather demoralizing.

But when I finally made it into the gym, I realized I had forgotten my ID. I was directed into another room where they can issue temporary passes. I told the woman behind the counter that I didn’t have my ID. She nodded and began writing a pass for me. The woman next to me asked, “Why don’t you have it?” Because I forgot it. “Well, you shouldn’t do that. There are a lot of Nazis out there.” Oh. The woman behind the counter finished my pass and handed it to me. I left, trying to figure out why the Nazis were so concerned with my ID.

Alfred’s Hoberts

Engrish + LotR: The Two Towers = Uncontrollable Fits of Laughter. So funny. I can hardly contain myself.